500 of the Best Cockney War Stories
Free

500 of the Best Cockney War Stories

By Various
Free
Book Description
Table of Contents
  • 500 OF THE BEST COCKNEY WAR STORIES
  • EDITOR'S FOREWORD
  • CONTENTS
  • SIR IAN HAMILTON'S STORY
  • 1. ACTION
    • The Outside Fare
    • "Barbed Wire's Dangerous!"
    • Tale of an Egg
    • "No Earfkwikes"
    • A "Bow Bells" Heroine
    • Samson, but Shorn
    • "What's Bred in the Bone——!"
    • A Very Human Concertina
    • A One-Man Army
    • "Nah, Mate! Soufend!"
    • "I Got 'Ole Nelson Beat!"
    • Two Kinds of Fatalist
    • Double up, Beauty Chorus!
    • The Theatre of War
    • "It's the Skivvy's 'Arf Day Orf"
    • Cricket on the Somme
    • M'Lord, of Hoxton
    • The Tall Man's War
    • Germany Didn't Know This
    • Better than the Crystal Palace
    • A Short Week-end
    • Simultaneous Chess
    • Fire-step Philosophy
    • "Teddie" Gets the Last Word
    • "Nobbler's" Grouse
    • Dust in 'Indenburg's Sauerkraut!
    • A Valiant Son of London
    • A Hint to the Brigadier
    • "Salvage? Yus, Me!"
    • Almost Self-inflicted
    • Nobby's 1,000 to 1 Chance
    • That Derby Scheme
    • "Shoo-Shoo-Shooting"
    • Ancient Britons?—No!
    • Desert Island—Near Bullecourt
    • "Tiger's" Little Trick
    • Raffle Draw To-night!
    • Exit the General's Dessert
    • "Try on this Coat, Sir"
    • On the Kaiser's Birthday
    • "Chuck us yer Name Plate!"
    • To Hold His Hand
    • The New Landlord
    • "Out of Bounds" in the Line
    • Epic of the Whistling Nine
    • Tale of a Cook and a "Crump"
    • "—— Returns the Penny"
    • "In Time for the Workman's?"
    • A Lovely Record
    • Logic in No Man's Land
    • Fousands ... and Millions
    • Lost: A Front Line
    • "If Our Typist Could See Me Nah"
    • Q! Q! Queue!
    • "Fine 'eads er Salery!"
    • The Old Soldier Falls
    • Not Meant For Him
    • An Extra Fast Bowler
    • "I'll Call a Taxi, Sir"
    • Attack in "Birthday Clothes"
    • His Good-bye to the Q.M.
    • From Bow and Harrow
    • Piccadilly in the Front Line
    • "Wag's" Exhortation
    • Making a King of Him
    • "Peace? Not wiv you 'ere!"
    • An Expert on Shells
    • A Camel "on the Waggon"
    • Parting Presents
    • Bluebottles and Wopses
    • The Cheerful "Card"
    • Great Stuff This Shrapnel
    • Wot a War!
    • The Umpire
    • "Don't Tell 'Aig"
    • "... In Love and War"
    • "Afraid of Yer Own Shells"
    • The Leader of the Blind
    • Pity the Poor Ducks
    • Waiting Room Only
    • Not Yet Blasé
    • Paid with a Mills
    • The Guns' Obligato
    • In the Garden of Eden
    • Santa Claus in a Hurry
    • What Paderewski was Missing
    • A Target, but No Offers
    • Their own Lord Mayor's Show
    • Pill-Box Crown and Anchor
    • "C.O.'s Paid 'is Phone Bill"
    • The "Garden Party Crasher"
    • Those Big Wasps
    • Why he Looked for Help
    • The Winkle Shell
    • Forgot his Dancing Pumps
    • Lift Out of Order
    • Change at Wapping
    • "The Canary's Flowed Away!"
    • "Go it, Applegarf! I'll time yer!"
    • That Other Sort of Rain
    • Better Job for Him
    • Sentry's Sudden Relief
    • The World Kept Turnin'
    • That Blinkin' "Money-box"
    • "Oo, You Naughty Boy!"
    • Cool as a Cucumber
    • The Sergeant's Tears
    • "But yer carn't 'elp Laughin'"
    • "Only an Orphan"
    • Joking at the Last
    • Everybody's War
    • Orders is Orders
    • Leaving the Picture
    • Ginger's Gun Stopped
    • A Careless Fellow
    • Standing Up to the Turk
    • Lodging with the Bombs
    • In Fine Feather
    • All the Fun of the Fair
    • Teacup in a Storm
    • Jack's Unwelcome Present
    • Goalie Lets One Through
    • A Good Samaritan Foiled
    • Proof of Marksmanship
    • "Well, He Ain't Done In, See!"
    • "Baby's Fell Aht er Bed!"
    • Stamp Edging Wanted
    • "Oo's 'It—You or Me?"
    • The Stocking Bomb
    • Not an Acrobat
    • Story Without an Ending
    • Cause and Effect
    • The Cockney and the Cop
    • In the Drorin' Room
    • Getting His Goat
    • Jennie the Flier
    • A Mission Fulfilled
    • He Saved the Tea
    • Old Dutch Unlucky
    • A Long Streak of Misery
    • "Smudger's" Tattoo
    • Importance of a "Miss"
    • "In the Midst of War——"
    • A Case for the Ordnance
    • Dismal Jimmy's Prisoner
    • That Creepy Feeling
    • "Toot-Sweet," the Runner
    • Applying the Moral
    • Spelling v. Shelling
    • "Ducks and Drakes! Ducks and Drakes!"
    • You Must have Discipline
    • L.B.W. in Mespot
    • Trench-er Work
    • "The Best Man—Goes Fust"
    • When Clemenceau Kissed the Sergeant
    • Poet and—Prophet
    • Pub that Opened Punctually
    • That Precious Tiny Tot
    • Cigs and Cough Drops
    • "Smiler" to the End
    • "The Bishop" and the Bright Side
    • "Chuck yer Blinkin' 'Aggis at 'im!"
    • Back to Childhood
    • The Altruist
    • "Minnie's Stepped on my Toe!"
    • In the Dim Dawn
    • Beau Brummell's Puttees
    • Plenty of Room on Top
    • Nearly Lost His Washing-Bowl
    • Bath Night
    • Back to the Shack
    • His Last Gamble
    • That Infernal Drip-Drip-Drip!
    • "A Blinkin' Vanity Box"
    • Playing at Statues
    • Bo Peep—1915 Version
    • Jerry's Dip in the Fat
    • Carried Unanimously
    • A Very Hot Bath
    • In Lieu of ——
    • Putting the Hatt on It
    • Tangible Evidence
    • What the Cornwalls' Motto Meant
    • Atlas—On the Somme
    • Putting the Lid on It
    • Taffy was a—German!
    • A Tea-time Story
    • A Tip to a Prisoner
    • Cockney Logic
    • "Penalty, Ref!"
    • An Appointment with his Medical Adviser
    • One Up, and Two to Go
    • On the Parados
    • Not Croquet
    • Sausages and Mashed
    • Cheery to the End
    • Souvenirs First
    • Seven Shies a Tanner!
    • Bill Hawkins Fights Them All
    • Hide and Seek with Jerry
    • Too Much for his Imagination
    • "Currants" for Bunn
    • The Driver to his Horse
    • Two Kinds of "Shorts"
    • Mespot—On 99 Years' Lease
    • "Fro Something at Them!"
    • Missed his Mouth-organ
    • Water-cooled
    • Top-hatted Piper of Mons
    • Two Heads and a Bullet
    • Spoiling the Story
    • Afraid of Dogs
    • The Song of Battle
    • Stalls at "Richthofen's Circus"
    • "Butter-Fingers!"
    • Getting into Hot Water
  • 2. LULL
    • Rate of Exchange—on Berlin
    • A Hen Coup
    • A "Baa-Lamb" in the Trenches
    • He Coloured
    • Why the Fat Man Laughed
    • He Met Shackleton!
    • Domestic Scene: Scene, Béthune
    • Getting Their Bearings
    • High Tea
    • Lots in a Name
    • Gunga Din the Second
    • A Fag fer an 'Orse
    • Put to Graze
    • Smith's Feather Pillow
    • Bombs and Arithmetic
    • Help from Hindenburg
    • Raised his Voice—And the Dust
    • Mademoiselle from—Palestine
    • "Ally Toot Sweet"
    • Luckier than the Prince
    • A Jerry he Couldn't Kill
    • "Q" for Quinine
    • Blinkin' Descendant of Nebuchadnezzar
    • Well-Cut Tailoring
    • Evacuating "Darby and Joan"
    • "Why ain't the Band Playing?"
    • His Deduction
    • Peter in the Pool
    • Where "Movie" Shows Cost Soap
    • Sherlock Holmes in the Desert
    • The Army "Loops the Loop"
    • Repartee on the Ridge
    • A New Kind of "Missing"
    • And it Started with a Hen Raid!
    • "I'm a Water-Lily"
    • Not Knowin' the Language
    • Churning in the Skies
    • Larnin' the Mule
    • "Dr. Livingstone, I Presoom"
    • The Veteran Scored
    • Old Moore Was Right
    • He Wouldn't Insult the Mule
    • "Don't Touch 'em, Sonny!"
    • "Ze English—Zey are all Mad!"
    • Mixed History
    • Got His Goat!
    • A Difficult Top Note
    • Home by Underground
    • A Job for Samson
    • Jerry Wins a Bet
    • Lucky he was Born British
    • You Never Can Tell
    • The Window Gazer
    • "I Don't Fink"
    • Why the Attack Must Fail
    • The "Shovers"
    • Rehearsal—Without the Villain
    • Poetry Before the Push
    • 'Erb's Consolation Prize
    • Rum for Sore Feet
    • Two Guineas' Worth
    • The Four-footed Spy
    • Not Every Dog has his Night
    • The Brigadier's Glass Eye
    • The Chaplain-General's Story
    • A Thirst Worth Saving
    • Points of View
    • Not the British Museum
    • Jerry Would Not Smile
    • "Birdie" Had to Smile
    • Their Very Own Secret
    • Window Cleaners Coming!
    • First Blow
    • M.M. (Mounted Marine)
    • His German 'Arp
    • Jack went a-Riding
    • Bitter Memories
    • Tommy "Surrounded" Them
    • Shell-holes and Southend
    • "Make Me a Good 'Orse"
    • The Lost Gumboot
    • "Compree 'Sloshy'?"
    • Looking-Glass Luck
    • Mine that was His
    • "Geography" Hour
    • To the General, About the Colonel
    • Bow Bells—1917 Style
    • "The Awfentic Gramerphone!"
    • The Muffin Man
    • The Holiday Resort
    • The "Tich" Touch
    • Smart Men All
    • "You'd Pay a Tanner at the Zoo!"
    • Smoking Without Cigarettes
    • An Expensive Light
    • Modern Conveniences
    • The Trench Fleet
    • The Necessary Stimulant
    • A Traffic Problem
    • Scots, Read This!
    • Met His Match
    • Why Jerry was "Clinked"
    • Stick-in-the-Mud
    • "If That can stick it, I can!"
    • Wheeling a Mule
    • Three Brace of Braces
    • "Bow Bells" Warning
    • "'Ave a Sniff"
    • The Dirt Track
    • Babylon and Bully
    • Twice Nightly
    • In Shining Armour
    • "A Blinkin' Paper-Chase?"
    • Biscuits—Another Point of View
    • His Bird Bath
    • Ducking 'em—-then Nursing 'em
    • Salonika Rhapsody
    • A Ticklin' Tiddler
    • Biscuits and Geometry
    • All that was Wrong with the War
    • Not a Single Cockney
    • Sanger's Circus on the Marne!
    • "Contemptible" Stuff
    • A Cockney on Horseback—-Just
    • A Too Sociable Horse
    • General Salute!
    • Wipers-on-Sea
    • He Rescued His Shirt
    • A Smile from the Prince
    • "Just to Make Us Laugh"
    • No Use Arguing with a Mule
    • Kissing Time
    • "Playin' Soldiers"
    • Per Carrier
    • "Enemy" in the Wire
    • Straight from the Heart
    • Smile! Smile! SMILE!!
    • War's Lost Charm
    • Taking It Lying Down
    • The First Twenty Years
    • Shell as a Hammer
    • Sore Feet
    • My Sword Dance—by the C.O.
    • A Big Bone in the Soup
    • "I Shall have to Change Yer!"
    • Scots Reveille
    • In the Negative
    • "An' That's All that 'Appened"
    • Watching them "Fly Past"
    • High Necks and Low
    • Too Light—by One Rissole
    • Psyche—"at the Barf!"
    • A Juggler's Struggles
    • Almost a Wireless Story
    • When the S.M. Got Loose
    • Mons, 1914—Not Moscow, 1812!
    • The S.M. knew "Mulese"
    • Lost: One Star
    • Simpler than Sounding It
    • Under the Cart
    • The Lion Laughed up his Sleeve
    • The Carman's Sarcasm
    • Burying a Lorry
    • Striking a Bargain
    • Bugling in 'Indoostanee
    • "For 'eaven's sake, stop sniffin'!"
    • Babes in the Salonika Wood
    • Bringing it Home to Him
    • After the Feast
    • Wait for the "Two Pennies, Please"
    • The General Goes Skating
    • "To Top Things Up"
    • Luck in the Family
    • "I'm Drownded"
    • Not a New World's Wonder
    • Lads of the Village
    • Before 1914, When Men Worked
    • Their Fatigue
    • Teaching Bulgars the Three-card Trick
  • 3. HOSPITAL
    • "Tich" Meets the King
    • Putting the Lid on It
    • Riddled in the Sands
    • Season!
    • Where's the Milk and Honey?
    • "Lunnon"
    • Sparing the M.O.
    • "Robbery with Violence"
    • Seven His Lucky Number
    • Blind Man's Buff
    • Self-Supporting
    • In the Butterfly Division
    • An Unfair Leg-Pull
    • He Saw It Through
    • As Good as the Pictures
    • Room for the Comforter
    • "War Worn and Tonsillitis"
    • "... Fort I was in 'Ell"
    • Pity the Poor Fly!
    • Temperature by the Inch
    • "'Arf Price at the Pickshers!"
    • Twenty-four Stitches in Time
    • His Second Thoughts
    • Hats Off to Private Tanner
    • The Markis o' Granby
    • A One-Legged Turn
  • 4. HIGH SEAS
    • The Skipper's Cigar
    • Breaking the Spell
    • A V.C.'s Story of Friendship
    • The Stoker Sums it Up
    • Channel Swimming his Next Job
    • It Was a Collapsible Boat
    • Luck in Odd Numbers
    • "Your Barf, Sir!"
    • "Mind My Coat"
    • "Wot's the Game—Musical Chairs?"
    • A Voice in the Dark
    • Why the Stoker Washed
    • Accounts Rendered
    • An Ocean Greyhound
    • Margate In Mespot.
    • Urgent and Personal!
    • Victoria! (Very Cross)
    • He Saw the Force of It
    • New Skin—Brand New!
    • A Zeebrugge Memory
    • Another Perch in the Roost
    • Uncomfortable Cargo
    • Good Old "Vernon"
    • Any Time's Kissing Time!
    • The Fag End
    • "Spotty" the Jonah
    • He Just Caught the Bus!
    • Dinner before Mines!
    • A Philosopher at Sea
    • Extra Heavyweight
    • Three Varieties
    • He was a Bigger Fish
    • The "Arethusa" Touch
    • His Chance to Dive
    • Wot Abaht Wot?
    • Water on the Watch
    • A Gallant Tar
    • A Cap for Jerry
    • Give 'im 'is Trumpet Back
    • Getting the Range
    • Coco-nut Shies
    • "Any more for the 'Skylark'?"
    • Still High and Dry
    • Trunkey Turk's Sarcasm
    • Running Down the Market
    • Five to One against the "Tinfish"
    • A Queer Porpoise
    • "Hoctopus" with One Arm
    • Interrupted Duel
    • Enter Dr. Crippen
    • The All-seeing Eye
    • The Submarine's Gamps
    • Polishing up his German
  • 5. HERE AND THERE
    • Answered
    • A Prisoner has the Last Laugh
    • Not Yet Introduced
    • On the Art of Conversation
    • Down Hornsey Way
    • "... Wouldn't Come Off"
    • When In Greece...?
    • The Chef Drops a Brick
    • His "Read" Letter Day
    • Dan, the Dandy Detective
    • The Apology
    • Too Scraggy
    • So Why Worry?
    • Commended by the Kaiser
    • Only Fog Signals
    • An American's Hustle
    • Truth about Parachutes
    • The Linguist
    • Billiards isn't all Cannons
    • Run?—Not Likely
    • At "The Bow Bells" Concert
    • A Bomb and a Pillow
    • Athletics in the Khyber Pass
    • Jack and his Jack Johnsons
    • Even Davy Jones Protested
    • "Parti? Don't blame 'im!"
  • Transcriber's Notes
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