E-text prepared by Al Haines

The Umpire

To Suit The Times All Sorts of Themes Embracin' Some Gay Some Sad Some not so Bad

AS WRITTEN BY

Chicago A. C. McCLURG & CO. 1913

To GEORGE MATTHEW ADAMS

ONE MOMENT, PLEASE!

CONTENTS

ILLUSTRATIONS

The Umpire . . . . . . . . . Frontispiece

The Gloomy Fan

The Buccaneers

The Sleeper Wakes

The Conqueror

The Old Timer

MORNING IN KANSAS

EDITORIAL INFLUENCE

FARM MACHINERY

THE STRONG MEN

THE SNOWY DAY

THE POOR MAN'S CLUB

WORDS AND DEEDS

A DAY OF REST

USE YOUR HEAD

THE GLOOMY FAN

The Gloomy Fan

THE PURIST

QUALIFICATIONS

THE POMPOUS MAN

INEFFICIENT MEN

LIFE'S INJUSTICE

THE POLITICIAN

RANDOM SHOTS

LOOK PLEASANT, PLEASE!

COURAGE

PLAY BALL

THE OLD SONGS

GUESSING VS. KNOWING

WHEN WOMEN VOTE

THE AGENT AT THE DOOR

GOOD AND BAD TIMES

BUCCANEERS

(The Pirate of 1612)

(The Pirate of 1912)

Buccaneers

ST. PATRICK'S DAY

NAMING THE BABY

WON AT LAST

I.

II.

III.

IV.

V.

THE GREATEST THING

THE UMPIRE

THE TWO MERCHANTS

TODAY'S MOTTO

SOME PROTESTS

THE WORKERS

THE UTILITARIAN

FIRESIDE ADVENTURES

HUNTING A JOB

OLD AND NEW

THE HANDY EDITOR

THE SLEEPER WAKES

The Sleeper Wakes

IN HORSELAND

INAUGURATION DAY, 1913

PRAYER OF THE HEATHEN

THEORY AND PRACTICE

FOOL AND SAGE

THEN AND NOW

THE SLEEPER

FOOLING AROUND

GUESS WHO!

TRYING AGAIN

ICONOCLASM

GATHERING ROSES

THE FUTURE SPORT

TAKING ADVICE

POST-MORTEM INDUSTRY

THE CONQUEROR

The Conqueror

THE TRUTHFUL MERCHANT

STANDING PAT

THE OUTCAST

ODE TO KANSAS

DOMESTIC HAPPINESS

CELEBRITIES

THE VIRTUOUS EDITOR

THIS DISMAL AGE

BOOST THINGS

THE ADVENTURER

THEY ALL COME BACK

HOME BUILDERS

FAILURE AND SUCCESS

THE OPEN ROAD

Romance

Reality

THE MILLIONAIRES

LITTLE MISTAKES

EASY MORALITY

THE CRITIC

THE OLD TIMER

The Old Timer

THE BRIGHT FACE

LADIES AND GENTS

AUTUMN JOYS

THE LAND OF BORES

SKILLED LABOR

AN EDITORIAL SOLILOQUY

YOUTHFUL GRIEVANCES

SUNDAY

JOHN BARLEYCORN

CHRISTMAS DAY

A CRANK'S THANKSGIVING

THE BRIEF VISIT