An Outline Of Humor: Being a True Chronicle From Prehistoric Ages to the Twentieth Century
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An Outline of Humor
FOREWORD
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
ANCIENT HUMOR
A WIFE’S RUSE (A Rabbinical Tale)
THE HYMN OF THE FROGS
THE GOOD WIFE AND THE BAD HUSBAND
MIDDLE DIVISION
PART I GREECE
ÆSOP’S FABLES
THE BEATING OF THERSITES
THE MEETING
THE PASSAGE OF THE STYX
THE FINE LADY. BY SIMONIDES.
Anaxandriades
Eubulus
Aristophon
Alexis
OF SLOVENLINESS
OF LOQUACITY
FROM THE GREEK ANTHOLOGY
Lucian DARKNESS
Crates CURES FOR LOVE
Julian BEER
Agathias GRAMMAR AND MEDICINE
Nearchus A SINGER
Ammianus AN EPITAPH
Lucilius ENVY
A PROFESSOR WITH A SMALL CLASS
FALSE CHARMS
A SCHOOLMASTER WITH A GAY WIFE
BOARD OR LODGING
Anon CONVENIENT PARTNERSHIP
Anon LONG AND SHORT
Anon THE LERNEANS
Anon PERPLEXITY
Lucian A QUESTION OF PRECEDENCE
ODYSSEUS’S TRICK ON POLYPHEMUS Poseidon and Polyphemus
Philippides
DIPHILUS
Apollodorus
PART II ROME
Plautus MILITARY SWAGGER
THE SUSPICIOUS MISER MEGADORUS and EUNOMIA
Terence PARASITES AND GNATHONITES
Catullus THE ROMAN COCKNEY
A FIXED SMILE
Horace OBTRUSIVE COMPANY ON THE SACRED WAY
AN INGENIOUS COOK
POETIC FAME
TO SABIDIUS
PLAY’S THE THING
TO CATULLUS
BETWEEN THE LINES
TO AULUS
TO POSTUMUS
ROUNDED WITH A SLEEP
VENDETTA
A MERE SUGGESTION
WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
A TOTAL ABSTAINER
MUTE MILLIONS
MAN AND SUPERMAN
TO LINUS
CREDE EXPERTO
NUMBERS SWEET
MILLIONS IN IT
TO MAMERCUS
Juvenal COSMETIC DISGUISE
ON DOMINEERING WIVES
Apuleius METAMORPHOSES
VICISSITUDES OF A DONKEY
PART III
MEDIÆVAL AGES
Kalidasa HUNTING WITH A KING
Unknown Author THE CREATION OF WOMAN
EXTRACTS FROM THE TALMUD
THE SIMPLETON AND THE SHARPER
THE THIEF TURNED MERCHANT AND THE OTHER THIEF
THE IGNORANT MAN WHO SET UP FOR A SCHOOLMASTER
THE HUSBAND AND THE PARROT
BAKBARAH’S VISIT TO THE HAREM
XXVII
XXVIII
XXIX
XXX
XXXI
XXXII
LIV
LV
LIX
LXI
LXVIII
LXIX
LXX
LXXII
XCIII
XCIV
XCV
ON SULTAN MAHMOUD
DISCOMFORT BETTER THAN DROWNING
THE STRICT SCHOOLMASTER AND THE MILD
HATEFULNESS OF OLD HUSBANDS
THE SICK SCHOOLMASTER
THE INVALID AND HIS DEAF VISITOR
OLD AGE—DIALOGUE
Do-Pyazah THESE DEFINITIONS
DIVING FOR AN EGG—ANECDOTE
THE PLEASURE OF FISHES—ANECDOTE
POPULARITY
A STANZA FOR A TOBACCO-POUCH
RECIPES
PROVERBS
ON CLOTHES AND COMFORTS
COLLECTIONS
Fables THE GREEDY AND AMBITIOUS CAT
A RAVEN, A FOX, AND A SERPENT
THE CRANE AND THE CRAY-FISH
THE MERCHANT AND HIS FRIEND
THE MAID, THE MONKEY, AND THE MENDICANT
ABOUT A WOMAN’S PROMISE
OF A QUEER RELATIONSHIP
Jests of Hierocles
GREEK
ROMAN
EPIGRAMS
THE THIEF AND THE SUICIDE
Plato THE MISER AND THE MOUSE
Lucillius A MISER’S DREAM
Nicarchus THE GREAT CONTENTION
Unknown Author ON LATE-ACQUIRED WEALTH
A VOICE FROM THE GRAVE
ON THE INCONSTANCY OF WOMAN’S LOVE
Catullus ON HIS OWN LOVE
Aly Ben Ahmed Ben Mansour TO THE VIZIR CASSIM OBID ALLAH, ON THE DEATH OF ONE OF HIS SONS
The Khaliph Radhi Billah TO A LADY UPON SEEING HER BLUSH
Janus Pannonius ON AURISPA
Actius Sannazarius ON AUFIDIUS
Euricius Cordus TO PHILOMUSUS
THE DOCTOR’S APPEARANCE
Georgius Buchananus TO ZOILUS
ON LEONORA
Johannes Secundus ON CHARINUS, THE HUSBAND OF AN UGLY WIFE
Theodorus Beza
Paulus Thomas ON CELSUS
Stephanus Paschasius MARRIED LIFE
Johannes Audœmus TO A FRIEND IN DISTRESS
ADVICE TO PONTICUS
Balthasar Bonifacius DANGEROUS LOVE
San Shroe Bu ENFORCED GREATNESS
I.
II.
OF SLOTH
OF THE GOOD, WHO ALONE WILL ENTER THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
OF THE INCARNATION OF OUR LORD
OF THE DECEITS OF THE DEVIL
OF VIGILANCE IN OUR CALLING
MODERN HUMOR
THE COCK AND THE FOX
TO MY EMPTY PURSE
BALLAD OF WOMEN’S DOUBLENESS
L’ENVOI
TO MAISTRES MARGARET HUSSEY
HOW THE WELSHMAN DYD DESYRE SKELTON TO AYDE HIM IN HYS SUTE TO THE KYNGE FOR A PATENT TO SELL DRYNKE
Here Begynneth Certayne Merye Tales of Skelton, Poet Lauriat HOW SKELTON CAME LATE HOME TO OXFORD FROM ABINGTON
The Jests of Scogin HOW JACKE BY SOPHISTRY WOULD MAKE OF TWO EGGS THREE
HOW SCOGIN SOLD POWDER TO KILL FLEAS
From Mery Tales of the Mad Men of Gottam THE SECOND TALE
THE THIRD TALE
From Mother Bunches Merriments HOW MADDE COOMES, WHEN HIS WIFE WAS DROWNED, SOUGHT HER AGAINST THE STREAME
The Pleasant Conceits of Old Hobson HOW MAISTER HOBSON SAID HE WAS NOT AT HOME
OF THE WOMAN THAT FOLLOWED HER FOURTH HUSBANDS BERE AND WEPT
A C. Mery Talys OF THE MERCHAUNTE OF LONDON THAT DYD PUT NOBLES IN HIS MOUTHE IN HYS DETHE BEDDE
OF THE SCOLER OF OXFORDE THAT PROVED BY SOVESTRY II CHYKENS III
OF THE COURTEAR THAT ETE THE HOT CUSTARDE
OF HYM THAT SOUGHT HIS WYFE AGAYNST THE STREME
OF THE FOOLE THAT THOUGHT HYM SELFE DEED
FROM HENRY IV, PART I
FROM MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
FROM THE MERCHANT OF VENICE
FROM HAMLET
FROM AS YOU LIKE IT
OF A PRECISE TAILOR
OF A CERTAIN MAN
FROM “EVERY MAN IN HIS HUMOR”
FROM “VOLPONE”
A VINTNER,
THE WILL
OBEDIENT HUSBANDS
LAUGHING SONG (For several voices)
LIKE TO THE THUNDERING TONE
NONSENSE
FAREWELL TO THE FAIRIES
THE LIE
JOLLY GOOD ALE AND OLD
ACROSTICS
THE MARRIED STATE
THE SCHOLAR AND HIS DOG
FRENCH WIT AND HUMOR
THE ASS’S TESTAMENT
ADVICE TO A FRIEND ON MARRIAGE
ENVOY
TO MY NOSE
APOLOGY FOR CIDER
THE BALLADE OF DEAD LADIES Translated by Dante Gabriel Rossetti
A BALLADE OF OLD TIME LADIES Translated by John Payne
BALLAD OF THE WOMEN OF PARIS
A LOVE-LESSON
MADAME D’ALBRET’S LAUGH
MONEY
OF THE ECLIPSES THIS YEAR
OF THE DISEASES THIS YEAR
OF THE FRUITS OF THE EARTH THIS YEAR
RABELAIS IMITATES DIOGENES (From the Author’s Prologue to Book III.)
THE LOST HATCHET
GERMAN WIT AND HUMOR
EULENSPIEGEL’S PRANKS The Golden Horseshoes
ITALIAN WIT AND HUMOR
OF THREE GIRLS AND THEIR TALK
THE STOLEN PIG
THE MAKING OF MASTER MESSERIN
THE INHERITANCE OF A LIBRARY
LIVING IN BED
ON A WET DAY
A COMPULSORY MARRIAGE AT SWORD’S POINT
CRITICISM OF A STATUE OF HERCULES
SPANISH WIT AND HUMOR
SLEEP
HE SECURES SANCHO PANZA AS HIS SQUIRE
OF THE VALOROUS DON QUIXOTE’S SUCCESS IN THE DREADFUL AND NEVER-BEFORE-IMAGINED ADVENTURE OF THE WINDMILLS
THE SEVENTEENTH CENTURY
From Human Nature LAUGHTER
THE KISS—A DIALOGUE
A TERNARY OF LITTLES, UPON A PIPKIN OF JELLY SENT TO A LADY
Richard Lovelace SONG
Sir John Suckling THE CONSTANT LOVER
THE REMONSTRANCE
FROM L’ALLEGRO
EPITAPH FOR AN OLD UNIVERSITY CARRIER
THE RELIGION OF HUDIBRAS
SAINTSHIP VERSUS CONSCIENCE
DESCRIPTION OF HOLLAND
POETS
PUFFING
EXTRACTS FROM THE DIARY
ON SHADWELL
ON THE DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM
MILTON COMPARED WITH HOMER AND VIRGIL Under a Picture of Milton in the 4th Edition of Paradise Lost.
FROM ROBINSON CRUSOE Friday’s Conflict with the Bear
AN EPITAPH
A SIMILE
PHILLIS’ AGE
A REASONABLE AFFLICTION
FRENCH HUMOR
THE SOUL OF THE CABBAGE
FROM “THE LEARNED WOMEN”
FROM “THE GENTLEMAN CIT”
FAREWELL TO CHLORIS
FROM LES PROVINCIALES ON MENTAL RESERVATIONS
THE COUNCIL HELD BY THE RATS
THE COCK AND THE FOX
THE CROW AND THE FOX
TO PERRAULT
ON COTIN
IPHIS
THOUGHTS
DIATRIBE AGAINST WATER
ADVICE TO AN INNKEEPER
TO A POET
GERMAN HUMOR
THE DONKEY’S VOICE
A BURDENSOME WIFE
ST. ANTHONY’S SERMON TO THE FISHES
THE EIGHTEENTH CENTURY
AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY
THE FURNITURE OF A WOMAN’S MIND
SUNT QUI SERVARI NOLUNT
ON HIS OWN DEAFNESS
TO MRS. HOUGHTON OF BORMOUNT, UPON PRAISING HER HUSBAND TO DR. SWIFT
LINES BY A PERSON OF QUALITY
WORMS To the Ingenious Mr. Moore, inventor of the celebrated worm powder.
EPIGRAM ON MRS. TOFTS (A celebrated Opera Singer.)
THE WILL OF A VIRTUOSO
THE SPLENDID SHILLING
John Arbuthnot A DISSERTATION ON DUMPLINGS
ON LYING NEWS-WRITERS
AN ELEGY ON THE DEATH OF A MAD DOG
AN ELEGY ON THE GLORY OF HER SEX, MRS. MARY BLAIZE
PARSON GRAY
A FAITHFUL PICTURE OF ORDINARY SOCIETY
THE COLUBRIAD
LET THE TOAST PASS FROM “THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL”
LORD ERSKINE’S SIMILE
SHERIDAN’S CALENDAR
THE FRIEND OF HUMANITY AND THE KNIFE-GRINDER
HOLY WILLIE’S PRAYER
ADDRESS TO THE TOOTHACHE
THE NINETEENTH CENTURY
MRS. PARTINGTON
SALAD
THE TEN LOST TRIBES OF ISRAEL
THE WELL OF ST. KEYNE
A “TRUE AND ORIGINAL” VERSION
RAISING THE DEVIL A LEGEND OF CORNELIUS AGRIPPA
MURDER AS ONE OF THE FINE ARTS
AFTER SWIMMING THE HELLESPONT
FAITHLESS NELLY GRAY A PATHETIC BALLAD
NO!
THE BABY’S DÉBUT
THE MILKMAID AND THE BANKER
THE JESTER CONDEMNED TO DEATH
THE IRISHMAN
WHY DON’T THE MEN PROPOSE?
NAUTICAL TERMS
COLD MUTTON, PUDDING, PANCAKES
NONSENSE
LYING
WHAT’S MY THOUGHT LIKE?
OF ALL THE MEN
ON TAKING A WIFE
UPON BEING OBLIGED TO LEAVE A PLEASANT PARTY FROM THE WANT OF A PAIR OF BREECHES TO DRESS FOR DINNER IN
RORY O’MORE
LANTY LEARY
WIDOW MALONE
A SONG OF IMPOSSIBILITIES
LITTLE BILLEE
THE WOLFE NEW BALLAD OF JANE RONEY AND MARY BROWN
WHEN MOONLIKE ORE THE HAZURE SEAS
SORROWS OF WERTHER
MRS. GAMP’S APARTMENT
THE HUSBAND’S PETITION
THE LAY OF THE LOVELORN PARODY ON TENNYSON’S “LOCKSLEY HALL”
THE PROFESSOR’S MALADY
THE GOOSE
THE POPE AND THE NET
MY MISTRESS’S BOOTS
ON A SENSE OF HUMOUR
SOME LADIES
A TERRIBLE INFANT
BALLAD
THE COCK AND THE BULL
LOVERS, AND A REFLECTION
ODE TO TOBACCO
JABBERWOCKY (From Through the Looking-Glass)
WAYS AND MEANS
SOME HALLUCINATIONS
THE TWO OLD BACHELORS
THE HIGHER PANTHEISM IN A NUTSHELL
NEPHELIDIA
ON A FAN THAT BELONGED TO THE MARQUISE DE POMPADOUR
THE ROUNDEAU
BALLAD OF THE PRIMITIVE JEST
BALLADE OF LITERARY FAME
THE MIGHTY MUST
TO THE TERRESTRIAL GLOBE By a Miserable Wretch.
GENTLE ALICE BROWN
TRUE TO POLL
VILLANELLE
A HUMOURIST ON HIS CALLING
A NOCTURNE AT DANIELI’S (Suggested by Browning’s A Toccata of Galuppi’s.)
TO JULIA UNDER LOCK AND KEY
AT THE SIGN OF THE COCK (FRENCH STYLE, 1898)
HERE IS THE TALE (AFTER RUDYARD KIPLING)
DE TEA FABULA Plain Language from Truthful James
A SONNET
A THOUGHT
THE MILLENNIUM TO R. K.
SCHOOL
THE POETS AT TEA
SELECT PASSAGES FROM A COMING POET
THE PYTHON
THE BISON
THE MICROBE
THE FROG
A BALLADE OF SUICIDE
A BALLADE OF AN ANTI-PURITAN
FRENCH HUMOR
THE ETERNAL YAWNER
THE EDUCATION OF YOUNG LADIES
THE DEAD ALIVE
A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING
INNOCENCE
THE SUPPER-PARTY OF THE THREE CAVALIERS
THÉOPHILE’S MOTHER-IN-LAW
CHAPTER TOUCHING THE OLFACTORY ORGAN
FANFRELUCHE
AN EVENING RECEPTION
THE GOOD FLEA AND THE WICKED KING
WILLIAM TELL
GERMAN HUMOR
THE PATIENT CURED
THE RAVEN
THE DECORATED BOW
EPIGRAMS
A HORSE TIED TO A STEEPLE
A RATHER LARGE WHALE
THE HEN AND THE EGG
PEGASUS IN THE YOKE
THE PIGTAIL
THE DRUNKARD’S FANCY
EXCERPT FROM CLEVER GRETHEL
ARTIST AND PUBLIC
THE TOWN OF GÖTTINGEN
POPE AND SULTAN
CREDO
ITALIAN HUMOR
THE ACADEMY OF SYLLOGRAPHS
ON MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS
TOOTH FOR TOOTH
SPANISH HUMOR
THE ASS AND THE FLUTE
THE EGGS
THE COUNTRY SQUIRE
RUSSIAN HUMOR
Ivan Chemnitzer THE PHILOSOPHER
THE LION’S COUNCIL OF STATE
Ivan Krylov THE SWAN, THE PIKE, AND THE CRAB
THE MUSICIANS
FROM KARLCHEN, THE CROCODILE
A MORAL MAN
BENEFICENCE AND GRATITUDE
PRAYER
PROVERBIAL WISDOM
THE DREAM-WIFE
AMERICAN HUMOR
PAPER
THE BATTLE OF THE KEYS
THE COUNTRY PARSON
TO SALLY
A VISIT FROM ST. NICHOLAS
A CERTAIN YOUNG LADY
TO A MOSQUITO
ODE TO FORTUNE
OLD CHIMES
FABLE
LOVE IN A COTTAGE
MY FIRST VISIT TO PORTLAND
AFTER A WEDDING
THE HEIGHT OF THE RIDICULOUS
ÆSTIVATION
THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL
MR. FINNEY’S TURNIP
THE ALARMED SKIPPER
MY FAMILIAR
TIGHT BOOTS
A HEN
WHAT MR. ROBINSON THINKS
I REMEMBER
“THERE’S A BOWER OF BEAN-VINES”
JACOB
REUBEN
BALLAD
PALABRAS GRANDIOSAS After T—— B—— A——
ON “FORTS”
THE SOCIETY UPON THE STANISLAUS
TO THE PLIOCENE SKULL
LITTLE BREECHES
THAT GENTLE MAN FROM BOSTON TOWN AN IDYL OF OREGON
I BY H—Y W. L-NGF—— W
II BY J-HN GR—NL—F WH—T—R
III BY DR. OL-V-R W-ND-L H-LMES
IV BY R-LPH W-LDO EM-R—N
V By W-LL—M C-LL-N B-Y-NT
VI By N. P. W-LL-S
VII BY TH-M-S B-IL-Y ALD—CH
EVE’s DAUGHTER
THE WALLOPING WINDOW-BLIND
WHAT WILL WE DO?
“SOLDIER, REST!”
GUSHINGS OF A TENDAH SOUL
A THRENODY “The Akhoond of Swat is dead,”—London Papers of January 22, 1878.
THE OSTRICH AND THE HEN
THE KIND-HEARTED SHE-ELEPHANT
THE V-A-S-E
A BOSTON LULLABY
THE SAD END OF BRER WOLF
THE DINKEY-BIRD
THE LITTLE PEACH
GOOD JAMES AND NAUGHTY REGINALD
THE GARDEN HOSE
WHAT’S IN A NAME?
A PHILOSOPHER
ON EXPERT TESTIMONY
THE COCKTAIL
THE FABLE OF THE CADDY WHO HURT HIS HEAD WHILE THINKING
ELIPHALET CHAPIN’S WEDDING
THE WRECK OF THE “JULIE PLANTE.” A Legend of Lake St. Peter.
THE PESSIMIST
IF I SHOULD DIE TO-NIGHT
CASEY AT THE BAT
MONA LISA
THE KISS
DESOLATION
JACK AND JILL
HOW A GIRL WAS TOO RECKLESS OF GRAMMAR
MINIVER CHEEVY
TWO MEN
MAVRONE ONE OF THOSE SAD IRISH POEMS, WITH NOTES
ELEGY
PHYLLIS LEE
SOME GEESE
THE CHIMPANZEE
THE HEN
MARK TWAIN: A PIPE DREAM
GOLD
AFTER HERRICK
THE PURPLE COW
THE INVISIBLE BRIDGE
VILLANELLE OF THINGS AMUSING
PSYCHOLOPHON Supposed to be Translated from the Old Parsee
THE IDIOT’S DELIGHT
THE MYSTERY
WOMAN
BALLADE OF A PUMPKIN
IN THE PUMPKIN
INDEX
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