Robert Green Ingersoll
Ingersollia Gems of Thought from the Lectures, Speeches, and Conversations of Col. Robert G. Ingersoll, Representative of His Opinions and Beliefs
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INGERSOLLIA
GEMS OF THOUGHT FROM THE LECTURES, SPEECHES, AND CONVERSATIONS OF COL ROBERT G. INGERSOLL, REPRESENTATIVE OF HIS OPINIONS AND BELIEFS
Edited By Elmo
Edited By Elmo
INGERSOLLIA
INTRODUCTION
THE ROMANCE OF FARM LIFE
1. Ingersoll as a Farmer
2. The Happy Life of the Farm
3. The Ambitious Farmer's Boy
4. Never Be Afraid of Work!
5. Happiness the Object of Life
6. The Sunset of the Farmer's Life
7. Farmers, Protect Yourselves!
8. Roast the Beef, Not the Cook.
9. Cultivated Farmers.
10. The Wages of Slovenly Farming.
11. The Farmer's Happy Winter
12. The Almighty Dollar
13. The Farmer in Debt
14. Own Your Own Home
15. What to do with the Idlers
16. Farm-Life Lonely
17. The Best Farming States
18. The Laborers, the Kings and Queens
HOME AND CHILDREN
19. The Family the Only Heaven in this World
20. The Far-Seeing Eyes of Children.
21. Love and Freedom in a Cabin
22. The Turnpike Road of Happiness
23. Love Paying Ten Per Cent
24. A Word to the Cross-Grained
25. Oh! Daughters and Wives be Beautiful
26. A Wholesome Word to the Stingy
27. The Boss of the Family
28. Be Honor Bright!
29. The Opera at the Table
30. A Child's laugh sweeter than Apollo's lyre
31. Don't Wake the Children
32. How to Deal with Children
33. Give a Child a Chance
34. The Greatest Liars in Michigan
35. Forgive the Children!
36. A Solemn Satire on Whipping Children
37. The Whips and Gods are Gone!
INDIVIDUALITY
38. Absolute Independence of the Individual
39. Saved by Disobedience
40. Intellectual Tyranny
41. Say What You Think
42. I Want to Put Out the Fires of Hell
43. The Puritans
44. A Star in the Sky of Despair
45. Do not Shock the Heathen!
46. I will Settle with God Myself
47. I Claim my Right to Guess
48. The Brain a Castle
49. I am Something
50. Every Man a Bight to Think
51. Too Early to Write a Creed
52. Every Mind True to Itself
PROGRESS
53. The Torch of Progress.
54. Gold makes a Barren Landscape
55. A Grand Achievement
56. The Divorce of Church and State
57. Professors
58. Developement
59. Poet's Dream
60. The Temple of the Future
61. The final Goal
62. The Eighteenth Century
POLITICAL QUESTIONS
63. Liberty—Fraternity—Equality!
64. Liberty!
65. Ingersoll Not a Politician
66. Civilization
67. Cornell University
68. Church and School Divorced
69. Laws That Want Repealing
70. Government Secular
71. 1876! (1776?)
72. Candidates Made Hypocrites
73. The Church and the Throne
74. The Old Idea
75. Liberty for Politicians
76. Tax all Church Property
77. The Source of Power
78. The Best Blood of the Old Word come to the New
79. No State Church
80. The Enthusiasts of 1776
81. The Church Must Have no Sword
82. We are All of Us Kings! I want the power where some one can use
83. Honesty Tells!
84. Working for Others.
85. State Sovereignty
86. The King of America
87. Years Without Seeing a Dollar!
88. The Wail of Dead Nations
89. What the Republican Party Did
90. Doings of Democrats
91. Photograph of a Democrat.
92. I am a Republican, I Tell You!
93. Recollect!
94. Give Every Man a Chance
95. Who Shall Rule the Country?
96. The Declaration of Independence
97. The World Grows Brighter.
98. The Column of July
99. A Nation of Rascals
100. We are a Great People
101. Mule Equality
102. Room for Every Wing.
103. The Republican Platform.
104. Our Government the best on Earth
105. Will the Second Century of America be as good as the First?
SCIENCE
106. The Glory of Science.
107. The Tables Turned
108. Science Better than a Creed
109. The Religion of Science
110. Science not Sectarian
111. The Epitaph of all Religions
112. The Real Priest
113. Science is Power
114. Science Supreme
115. Science Opening the Gates of Thought
116. Stars and Grains of Sand
117. The Trinity of Science
118. The Old and the New Old ideas perished in the retort of the
119. The Triumphs of Science
120. What Science Found!
121. Science the only Lever
SLAVERY
122. The Colonel Short of Words!!!
123. Slavery in the Name of Religion
124. The Patrons of Slavery
125. A Colored Man in Congress
126. The Zig-zag Strip
127. Black People have Suffered Enough
128. The History of Civilization
129. Does God Uphold Slavery?
130. Solemn Defiance
THE WAR
131. The Soldiers of the Republic
132. Honor to the Brave!
133. What Were We Fighting For?
134. The Revolution Consummated
135. Fighting Done!—Work Begun!
136. Manhood worth more than Gold
137. Grander than Greek or Roman.
138. Let us Drink to the Living and the Dead
139. Will the Wounds of the War be Healed?
140. Saviours of the Nation
141. General Grant
MONEY THAT IS MONEY
142. Paper is not Money
143. The Debt will be paid
144. 1873 to 1879!
145. A Voter because a Man
146. Keep the Flag in Heaven!
147. Prosperity and Resumption hand in hand
148. Every Poor Man should Stand by the Government
149. We Will Settle Pair!
150. A Government with a Long Arm
151. No Repudiation
152. The Great Crash!
153. Promises Don't Pay
154. Solid and Bright!
155. The South and the Tariff
156. I am for Protection
157. The Old Woman of Tewksbury
158. American Muscle, Coined into Gold
159. Inflation
160. Resources of Illinois.
161. Money!
162. Money by Work
163. Meat Twice a Year
164. America a Glorious Land
165. How to Spend a Dollar
166. Honesty is Best always and Everywhere
167. A Fountain of Greenbacks
168. What the Greenback says!
169. Honest Methods
170. Silver demonetized by Fraud!
RELIGIOUS QUESTIONS
171. The Crime of Crimes!
172. Faith—A Mixture of Insanity and Ignorance
173. What the Saints Could Cure!
174. The Sleep of Persecutors
175. Crime Rampant and God Silent!
176. How Criminals Die Serenely!
177. The first Corpse and the first Cathedral
178. The Sixteenth Century
179. An Orthodox Gentleman
180. A Bold Assertion
181. History a Bloody Farce!
182. Weak ones Suffering—Heaven deaf
183. Heaven has no Ear, no Hand
184. Religion is Tyrannical
185. Religion and Facts
186. Religion not the End of Life
187. Creeds
188. The Worst Religion in the World
189. Religion Demanding Miracles
190. We Want One Fact
191. The Design Argument
192. Down, Forever Down
193. The Back
194. An Awful Admission
CHURCHES AND PRIESTS
195. The Church Forbids Investigation
196. The Church Charges Falsely
197. The Church in the "Dark Ages"
198. The Few Say, "Think!"
199. The Church and the Tree of Knowledge
200. The Church Cries, "Believe!"
201. The Heretics Cried, "Halt!"
202. The World not so Awful Flat
203. From Whence Come Wars?
204. Another Day of Divine Work
205. The Donkey and the Lion
206. The Orthodox Christian
207. Alms-Dish and Sword
208. The Church the Great Robber
209. The Church Impotent
210. Toleration
211. Shakespeare's Plays v. Sermons
212. Why Should the Church be Merciful?
213. The Church and the Infidel.
214. Back to Chaos
215. Infinite Impudence of the Church
216. Wanted!—A New Method
217. The Kirk of Scotland
218. The Church Looks Back
219. Diogenes
220. The Church and War
221. The Call to Preach
222. Burning Servetus
223. Freedom for the Clergy
224. The Pulpit Weakening
225. Origin of the Priesthood
226. The Clergy on Heaven
227. The Parson, the Crane and the Fish
228. Banish Me from Eden—But!
229. The Pulpit's Cry of Fear
230. Restive Clergymen
231. The Parson Factory at Andover
232. A Charge to Presbyteries
THE BIBLE
233. Nature the True Bible
234. Inspiration
335. The 109th Psalm!
236. I Don't Believe the Bible
237. The Bible the Real Persecutor
238. Immoralities of the Bible
239. The Bible Stands in the Way
240. The Bible False
241. The Man I Love
242. Whale, Jonah and All
243. Damned for Laughing at Samson
244. The Man, Not the Book, Inspired
245. The Bible a Chain
246. Absurd and Foolish Fables
247. The Bible the Work of Man
248. Something to Admire, not Laugh at
249. An Intellectual Deformity
250. The Bible a Poor Product
251. The Bible the Battle Ground of Sects
252. The Bible Childish
253. Where Moses got the Pentateuch
254. God's Letter to His Children
255. Examination a Crime
256. Read the Bible—and Then!
257. An Infallible Book Makes Slaves
258. Can a Sane Man Believe in Inspiration?
259. An Inspiration Test
260. The Real Bible
261. The Bad Passages in the Bible not Inspired
262. Too much Pictorial
263. One Plow worth a Million Sermons
INFIDELS
264. The Infidels of 1776
265. The Legitimate Influence of Religion
266. Infidels the Flowers of the World
267. The Noblest Sons of, Earth
268. How Ingersoll became an Infidel
269. Why Should Infidels Die in Fear?
270. Infidelity is Liberty
271. The World in Debt to Infidels
272. Infidels the Pioneers of Progress
273. Infidels the Great Discoverers
274. The Altar of Reason
GODS AND DEVILS
275. Every Nation has Created a God
276. Gods with Back-Hair
277. Creation the Decomposition of the Infinite
278. The Gods Are as the People Are
279. Gods Shouldn't Make Mistakes
280. Miracles
281. Plenty of Gods on Hand
282. The Devil Difficulty
283. Was the Devil an Idiot?
284. Industrious Deities
285. God in Idleness
286. Fancy a Devil Drowning a World
287. Some Gods Very Particular About Little Things
288 The Gods of To-day the Scorn of To-morrow
289. No Evidence of a God in Nature
290. Great Variety in Gods
291. God Grows Smaller
292. Give the Devil His Due
293. Casting out Devils
294. On the Horns of a Dilemma
295. The Devil and the Swine
296. How can I assist God?
297. Can God be Improved?
298. That Dreadful Apple!
299. The Devils better than the Gods
300. Is it Possible?
301. It is Impossible!
HEAVEN AND HELL
302. Hope of a Future Life
303. I am Immortal
304. What if Death Does End All?
305. The Old World Ignorant of Destiny
306. Where the Doctrine of Hell was born
307. The Grand Companionships of Hell
308. Horror of Horrors!
309. The Drama of Damnation
310. Annihilation rather than be a God
311. "All that have Red Hair shall be Damned."
312. The Conscience of a Hyena
313. I Leave the Dead
314. Calvin in Hell!
GOVERNING GREAT MEN
315. Jesus Christ
316. The Emperor Constantine.
317. Did Franklin and Jefferson Die in Fear?
318. Angels at Constantino's Dying Bed!
319. Diderot
320. Benedict Spinoza
321. Thomas Paine
322. The Greatest of all Political Writers
323. The Writings of Paine
324. The Last Words of Paine.
325. Paine Believed in God
326. The Intellectual Hera
327. Paine, Franklin, Jefferson
328. David Hume
329. Voltaire
330. John Calvin
331. Calvin's Five Fetters
332. Humboldt
333. Humbolt's Travels
334. Humboldt's Illustrious Companions
335. Humboldt the Apostle of Science
336. Ingersoll Muses by Napoleon's Tomb
337. Eulogy on J. G. Blaine
338. A Model Leader
339. Abraham Lincoln
340. Swedenborg
341. Jeremy Bentham
342. Charles Fourier
343. Auguste Comte
344. Herbert Spencer
345. Robert Collyer
346. John Milton
347. Ernst Haeckel
348. Professor Swing, a Dove amongst Vultures
349. Queen Victoria and George Eliot
350. Bough on Rabbi Bien
351. General Garfield
352. "Wealthy in Integrity; In Brain a Millionaire."
353. Garfield a Certificate of the Splendor of the American Constitution
354. Dr. W. Hiram Thomas
MISCELLANEOUS
355. Heresy and Orthodoxy
356. The Aristocracy that will Survive.
357. Truth will Bear the Test
358. Paring Nails
359. There may be a God
360. The People are Beginning to Think
361. Unchained Thought
362. Man the Victor of the Future
363. The Sacred Sabbath
364. Make the Sabbath Merry
365. Away to the Hills and the Sea
366. Melancholy Sundays
367. Moses took Egyptian Law for his Model
368. A False Standard of Success
369. Toilers and Idlers
370. The Sad Wilderness History
371. Law Much Older than Sinai
372. Who is the Blasphemer?
373. Standing Tip for God
374. Matter and Force
375. Haeckel before Moses!
376. How was it Done?
377. General Joshua
378. Early Rising is Barbaric!
379. Sleep is Medicine!
380. Never Rise at Four O'Clock
381. The Hermit is Mad
382. Duke Orang-Outang
383. Self-Made Men
384. The One Window in the Ark
385. No Ante-Diluvian Camp-Meetings!
386. Hard Work in the Ark
387. What did Moses know about the Sun?
388. Something for Nothing
389. Polygamy
390. The Colonel in the Kitchen—How to Cook a Beefsteak
391. Fresh Air
392. Cooking a Fine Art
393. Scathing Impeachment of Intemperance
394. Liberty Defined
395. Free, Honest Thought
396. Ingersoll Prefers Shoemakers to Princes
397. Sham Dignity
398. A Good Time Coming!
399. Who is the True Nobleman?
400. Wanted!—More Manliness
401. Education of Nature
402. The Worker Wearing the Purple
403. Flowers
404. Be Happy—Here and Now!
405. The School House a Fort
Education is the most radical thing in the world.
Education is the most radical thing in the world.
406. We are Getting Free
407. The Solid Rock
INGERSOLL'S FIVE GOSPELS
408. The Gospel of Cheerfulness
409. The Gospel of Liberty
410. The Gospel of 'Good Living
411. The Gospel of Intelligence
412. The Gospel of Justice
GEMS FROM THE CONTROVERSIAL GASKET
413. The Origin of the Controversy
414. What is Christianity?
415. Summary of Evangelical Belief
416. A Profound Change in the World of Thought
417. The Believer in the Inspiration of the Bible has too Much to Believe
418. A Frank Admission
419. The Bible Should be Better than any other Book
420. A Serious Charge
421. If the Bible is Not Verbally Inspired, What Then?
422. A Hindu Example
423. A Test Fairly Applied
424. Suppose!
425. Proofs of Civilization
426. A Persian Gospel
427. Man the Author of all Books
428. God and Brahma
429. Matthew, Mark, and Luke
430. Christianity Takes no Step in Advance
431. Christianity a Mixture of Good and Evil
432. Jehovah, Epictetus and Cicero
433. The Atonement
434. Sin as a Debt
435. The Logic of the Coffin
436. Judas Iscariot
437. The Standard of Right
438. What is Conscience?
439. No Right to Think!
440. The Liberty of the Bible
441. Slavery in Heaven
442. Jehovah Breaking His Own Laws
443. Who Designed the Designer?
444. What we Know of the Infinite
445. The Universe Self-Existent
446. Jehovah's Promise Broken
447. Character Bather than Creed
448. Mohammed the Prophet of God
449. Wanted!—A Little More Legislation
450. Is all that Succeeds Inspired?
451. The Morality in Christianity
452. Miracle Mongers
453. The Honor Due to Christ
454. Christianity has no Monopoly in Morals
455. Old Age in Superstition's Lap
456. Ararat in Chicago
457. How Gods and Devils are Made
458. The Romance of Figures
459. God and Zeno
460. Why was Christ so Silent?
461. The Philosophy of Action
462. Infinite Punishment for Finite Crimes.
463. Whence Came the Gospels?
464. Mr. Black's Admission
465. The Stars Upon the Door of France
A KIND WORD FOR JOHN CHINAMAN
466. The Select Committee Afraid
467. The Gods of the Joss-House and Patmos
468. A Little Too Late
469. Christianity has a Fair Show in San Francisco
470. An Arrow from the Quiver of Satire
471. We Have no Religious System
472. Congress Nothing to Do with Religion
473. Concessions of the Illustrious Four!
474. Do not Trample on John Chinaman
475. Be Honest with the Chinese
476. An Honest Merchant the Best Missionary
477. Good Words from Confucius
478. The Ancient Chinese
479. The Chinese and Civil Service Reform
480. Invading China in the Name of Opium and Christ
481. Don't be Dishonest in the Name of God
CONCERNING CREEDS AND THE TYRANNY OF SECTS
482. Diversity of Opinion Abolished by Henry VIII
483. Spencer and Darwin Damned
484. The Dead do Not Persecute
485. The Atheist a Legal Outcast in Illinois
486. How the Owls Hoot
487. The Fate of Theological Students
488. Trials for Heresy
489. Presbyterianism Softening
490. The Methodist "Hoist with his own Petard."
491. The Precious Doctrine of Total Depravity
492. Guilty of Heresy
493. Dishonest Teachers.
494. Self-Reliance a Deadly Sin!
495. A Hundred and Fifty Years Ago
496. The Despotism of Faith
497. Believe, or Beware
498. Calvin's Petrified Heart
499. Logic Unconfined.
500. Politeness at Athens!
501. The Tail of a Lion
502. While the Preachers Talked the People Slept
503. Christianity no Friend to Progress
504. Where is the New Eden?
505. The Real Eden is Beyond
506. Party Names Belittle Men
A FEW PLAIN QUESTIONS
507. Where Did the Serpent Come From?
508. Must We Believe Fables to be Good and True? Must we, in order to be
509. Why Did Not God Kill the Serpent?
510. Questions About the Ark
511. Was Language Confounded at Babel.
512. Would God Kill a Man for Making Ointment?
513. How Did Water run up Hill?
514. Would a Real God Uphold Slavery?
515. Will There Be an Eternal Auto da Fe?
516. Why Hate an Atheist?
ORIENT PEARLS AS RANDOM STRUNG
I do not believe that Christians are as bad as their creeds.
I do not believe that Christians are as bad as their creeds.
INGERSOLL'S ORATION AT HIS BROTHER'S GRAVE
INGERSOLL'S DREAM OF THE WAR
EPIGRAMS.
It is not necessary to be a pig in order to raise one.
It is not necessary to be a pig in order to raise one.
DEFINITIONS.
BELIEFS.
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